Boundary Setting in Relationships: Staying Connected to Yourself and Others
By: Anna Vargas, LCMHC
Boundaries are one of those concepts that most of us have heard about, but many of us were never actually taught how to use.
You may know they're important, but understanding what they look like in real relationships is often much less clear.
Like many things in relationships, boundary setting is nuanced. There isn't a script to follow or a perfect way to do it.
And yet, relationships are at the heart of the human experience. The quality of our emotional wellbeing is directly connected to the quality of our relationships.
All of this to say, effective boundary setting is vital to maintaining healthy relationships.
So, if you find yourself:
Saying yes when you don’t want to.
Feeling resentful in relationships
Constantly adjusting yourself to keep the peace.
Feeling drained after interactions
Pushing through exhaustion…
….This blog post is for you. Hopefully having some clarity about exactly what a boundary is and isn’t and how to set them is helpful in navigating tricky situations.
What Boundaries Actually Are
I love Nedra Glover Tawwab’s definition of boundaries from her book Set Boundaries Find Peace: a Guide to Reclaiming Yourself: “Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationship.”
At their core, boundaries are a way of staying connected and true to yourself in the presence of someone else.
They help you recognize: what feels okay, what doesn’t and what you have the capacity for.
And they give you a way to communicate that.
Not to control someone else.
But to remain grounded in your own needs and experience.
Boundaries are not about creating distance for the sake of it.
They are about creating enough space so that connection can exist without you losing yourself in it.
They are not a way to make someone else behave differently or avoid the discomfort of healthy conflict.
They are not requests for others to follow. They are actions you will take to make sure your needs are met.
Healthy boundaries often sound surprisingly simple.
"I'm not available this weekend, but I'd love to find another time to connect."
“I'd like to think about that before I give you an answer.”
"I'm feeling overwhelmed right now and need some time to myself."
"I can support you, but I can't make this decision for you."
"I'm going to step away from this conversation if insults become part of it."
Why Boundaries Can Feel So Hard
For many people, boundaries are difficult for two reasons. First, it can be hard to recognize what we're actually feeling or needing in the moment. Second, even when we know what we need, we may worry about disappointing someone, creating conflict, or damaging the relationship.
If you’ve spent your life focused on others, it may be challenging to slow down, notice how you feel and what that means about what you are needing. This is the first step and it’s all about practice and repetition in a safe space with safe people who are supporting your self-exploration.
For others, if you learned that connection depended on keeping others comfortable, or not asking for too much, boundaries can feel risky and scary. But the truth is, when our needs consistently go unspoken, relationships often begin to erode over time. Resentment builds, communication becomes less honest, and connection can start to feel strained.
What Boundaries Do for us in Relationships
While boundary setting isn’t a guarantee for smooth sailing, they don’t create distance in the way we often fear.
They create clarity.
They allow you to show up more honestly. They reduce the buildup of resentment that can happen when your needs go unspoken and they make it more possible for relationships to feel mutual, rather than one-sided.
Without boundaries, it can feel like you have to keep adjusting yourself to make things work.
With boundaries, there is more space for both people to exist in the relationship.
Boundaries don’t stop connection. They give it structure and sustainability to connection.
What If Someone Doesn't Like Your Boundary?
If your brain is anything like mine, you might be noticing a flurry of “what if” thoughts of worry because we can’t actually know how someone is going to respond to our boundaries and it’s possible that they may not like your boundary.
So let’s talk about it:
What if they're disappointed?
What if they're upset?
What if they don't understand?
These fears make sense. If you've spent a lot of time prioritizing other people's comfort, a negative reaction can feel like a sign that you've done something wrong.
But someone else's reaction to your boundary doesn't necessarily tell you whether the boundary was appropriate.
Sometimes people respond positively.
Sometimes they need time to adjust.
And sometimes they don't like the boundary at all.
One of the most difficult parts of boundary work is learning to tolerate the discomfort that can come when someone is disappointed, frustrated, or unhappy with a limit or expectation you've set.
You can care about someone's disappointment without taking responsibility for fixing it.
You can understand why they're upset without abandoning yourself.
You can remain compassionate while still holding your boundary.
Over time, boundaries often reveal important information about a relationship.
They can show you who is willing to respect your limits, who is able to adjust, and where certain patterns may have existed without being fully acknowledged.
A healthy relationship doesn't require that both people always agree. It requires enough space for both people's needs, feelings, and limits to exist.
Sometimes the work of setting boundaries is learning how to stay connected to yourself when someone doesn't like your answer.
Finding the Balance: Rigid and Porous Boundaries
This is where nuance is important.
Sometimes when people begin learning about boundaries, it's easy to assume the goal is simply to have stronger boundaries.
But healthy boundaries are not the same as rigid boundaries.
Just as having no boundaries can create problems, boundaries that are too rigid can create difficulties as well.
You might think of boundaries as existing on a spectrum.
On one end are porous boundaries.
People with porous boundaries often find themselves:
saying yes when they want to say no
taking responsibility for other people's emotions
struggling to identify their own needs
feeling overwhelmed, resentful, or depleted
Connection becomes the priority, often at the expense of themselves.
On the other end are rigid boundaries.
People with rigid boundaries may:
keep others at a distance
have difficulty asking for help
avoid vulnerability
pull away when relationships become emotionally demanding
Protection becomes the priority, often at the expense of connection.
Neither extreme tends to feel particularly fulfilling or connected.
With porous boundaries, you risk losing yourself in relationships.
With rigid boundaries, you risk losing connection.
Healthy boundaries exist somewhere in the middle.
They allow you to remain connected to yourself while also remaining connected to others.
How do you know, if you’re striking a balance? While there is no right or wrong answer to this question, it can be helpful to think about your relationship in terms of what feels sustainable over time.
It may be more helpful to ask:
Can I stay connected to myself while remaining connected to this person?
Does this relationship allow room for both of us?
Ultimately, boundary work isn't about learning to care for other people less. It's about learning to stop leaving yourself behind in the process of caring for them.
Relationships are healthiest when there is room for two people to have needs, preferences, limits, and emotions without one person's experience consistently taking priority over the other's.
Healthy boundaries make that possible. They allow us to care deeply for others while remaining connected to ourselves. And over time, that creates relationships that feel more honest, more balanced, and more sustainable.
If This Feels Familiar
If you find it hard to set boundaries, feel responsible for others’ reactions, or struggle to stay connected to your own needs in relationships, you’re not alone.
These patterns often have deep roots and make sense in the context of your experiences.
Therapy can help you explore what makes boundaries feel difficult and begin to build a more grounded way of relating to yourself and others.
I offer therapy in Durham, North Carolina and virtually across the state, specializing in anxiety, OCD, trauma, chronic illness and relationship challenges using AEDP, ACT, and psychodynamic approaches.
If this resonates with you, you’re welcome to reach out to schedule a consultation to explore working together.
