What is Shame? And how to Heal From it…

You’re probably not walking around thinking, “I struggle with shame.”

Maybe it shows up more subtly than that.

You replay conversations in your head long after they’re over.
You cringe at something you said days ago.
You feel a hot wave of embarrassment when you make a small mistake.
You apologize quickly, automatically, even when you’re not sure you did anything wrong.

Or maybe it’s less concrete. A quiet but persistent feeling of not enough. Not smart enough. Not productive enough. Not good enough. Too sensitive. Too much. Too flawed.

Shame can be loud and overwhelming or subtle and vague.

It doesn’t just tell us we did something wrong. It tells us we are wrong.

Shame is a universal human experience. We all feel it and as shame researcher Brene Brown says, the less you talk about it, the more control it has over your life. 

So, if we can’t get rid of it, the question is, how do we cope with shame?

First, let’s go back to the beginning…

Shame begins in moments when our emotions, needs, or authentic selves weren’t met with understanding. Maybe you were told you were “too dramatic” when you were hurt. Maybe your anger was punished. Maybe your excitement was dismissed. Maybe mistakes were met with criticism instead of curiosity and support.

As children, we depend on connection with a trusted caregiver for survival. When something feels off in that connection, our nervous system tries to make sense of it. And often, the conclusion is: It must be me.

It feels safer to believe “I’m the problem” than to believe “The people I rely on can’t meet my needs.” So shame steps in. It helps us adapt. It helps us stay attached. It helps us survive. It tells us “This is your fault.” 

But what once protected us can later imprison us.

In adulthood, this may look like…

perfectionism, working tirelessly to avoid falling short. Setting impossibly high standards and then beating yourself up when you struggle to meet them. 

It can look like shutting down, not sharing too much, not asking for help, not letting anyone see behind the curtain. 

It can look like harsh self-criticism, an internal voice that is quick to judge and slow to soften. Holding yourself to standards you would never impose on someone you love.

It can look like comparison, measuring your worth against everyone else’s highlight reel. Feeling behind. Feeling lacking. Assuming other people have it figured out in ways you don’t.

It can look like difficulty receiving care, brushing off compliments, minimizing your accomplishments, feeling uncomfortable when someone expresses appreciation or love. 

Shame pulls us inward. It whispers, Hide. Shrink. Don’t let them see this part.

And the more alone we feel with it, the louder it gets.

Shame as Protection…

Shame isn’t who you are. It’s something your nervous system learned to survive and underneath the shame, there is almost always something more vulnerable: sadness, fear, longing, hurt. But at some point in your life, those feelings may not have felt safe to express. So shame moved in to cover them.

If I criticize myself first, maybe no one else will.
If I make myself small, maybe I won’t be rejected.
If I strive to be perfect, maybe I’ll finally belong.

In this way, shame is protective. Misguided, painful but protective.

And we don’t heal protective parts by shaming them more.

We heal by getting curious and feeling the emotions underneath.

What Happens When Shame Is Met With Safety…

One of the most powerful aspects of Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) is that healing happens in relationship.

Shame says: If they really see you, they’ll leave, they’ll judge, they’ll hurt you.
Healing happens when someone sees you and stays and offers support, curiosity and compassion.

In therapy, shame often shows up in subtle ways. Maybe you feel embarrassed for crying. Maybe you worry you’re talking too much. Maybe you assume your therapist is judging you.

Instead of brushing past those moments, in AEDP we gently slow them down.

What just happened inside?
What did you feel in your body?
What story did your mind tell you?

When shame is named out loud and met with warmth, steadiness, and care something begins to shift. Your nervous system has a new experience: I can show this part and still be connected.

That experience is corrective. It rewrites something old and it opens the door to explore what’s underneath.

Moving Through Shame…

As shame softens, we often begin to feel what it has been protecting.

Grief for not being fully seen.
Anger about being misunderstood.
Longing to be known and accepted.

When those emotions are felt safely, in the presence of an attuned other, they move. They don’t swallow you whole. They don’t last forever.

And on the other side, many people discover something unexpected: compassion.

Not forced positive thinking. Not pretending everything was fine.

But a grounded, embodied sense of: Of course I felt that way. Of course I adapted. It makes sense.

Shame may have helped you survive. It may have helped you stay connected in environments where connection felt fragile. But you don’t have to organize your life around it anymore.

Healing from shame isn’t about becoming flawless. It’s about allowing yourself to be fully human.

You are allowed to take up space.
You are allowed to make mistakes.
You are allowed to have needs and emotions.

And you don’t have to work so hard to earn your belonging.